Whether you call it empathy, insight, or the ability to understand another person’s perspective, it doesn’t have a nice ring to it. It sounds like something your parents and teachers preached to you for the sake of keeping a civil playground, and like any repeated message, it goes in one ear and out the other once you’ve heard it enough times.
What they don’t tell you is that a person who masters this skill (I call it skill rather than trait because it’s something you must practice to become proficient in), is a person who will increase the probability of getting what they want by ∞. Of course, “manipulation” is not something that’s encouraged by those around you, but let’s face it, manipulation is an integral part of living.
Whether your goal is bettering relationships with partners/family/friends, ending tiring arguments, winning debates, advancing your professional career, or improving overall happiness, becoming better at empathizing will be one of the most valuable tools you can add to your repertoire to achieve these goals.
- Relationships: know what others expect of you and you will know how to meet/exceed those expectations.
- Arguing: know what the other person is seeing that is resulting in the basis for why they’re arguing with you, and you will know how to end it.
- Debating: understand the moral bedrock for why they have the stance they have, and you will know the route to go to point out the hypocrisy in their viewpoint.
- Professional life: know what your bosses and fellow employees value and you will know how to please them to put yourself in a favourable light.
- Happiness: having better relationships, fewer arguments, boosted ego by winning debates, and advanced professional life will undoubtedly lead to you being happier.
This is all true because of a very simple principle: all committed actions and chosen perspectives are justifiable – even if only to the one person you’re dealing with. Let me emphasize ALL.
Until you have lived through the life experiences of another person, then you will never be able to definitively say that you wouldn’t have done/thought/said the same. Understanding this fact is the first step. Accept this and you will liberate yourself from so much harmful negative energy that never would’ve done a productive thing for you. In fact, convince yourself that you would do the exact same thing as the other person because it’s most likely true.
Once you believe this, then you will know the very important answer to why people are the way they are, and more importantly, how they will respond to what you say to them.
Are you mad at your girlfriend for breaking up with you? Boss for firing you? Best friend for supporting the opposing political candidate? Brother for prioritizing his work over your monthly golf game? Once you truly master the art of empathizing, you will no longer walk around bearing the weight of these depressing thoughts.
Grasp this and you will know that the value in empathy is not for those around you, it’s for you.
FJ
The Pensives 
Very deep thoughts there. The lesson I am consistently trying to learn is integral to empathy as well … just slow down. Patience, though vital, is a hard skill to master.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was a public school teacher for 31 years, and I can testify that empathy is definitely a skill that has to be practiced. Some people are naturals and it comes easily, others work and work and it still never develops. But it is essential to being a teacher. And if you work it, you get the benefit of being the good students’ favorite teacher, and the teacher the poor students can’t learn without. I appreciate the insight into the nature of this vital skill.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very well said. If humanity practiced more empathy then the world would be a much better place!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right! But I think it is easier to encourage this behaviour if you describe how the individuals themselves can benefit, rather than preach it is for the sake of humanity (perhaps that is just the cynic in me speaking).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Mike the Psych's Blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Mike!
LikeLike
This is an interesting post and a topic I think a great deal about as well. I do have a question though, are you suggesting that one has to realize that he or she would feel and act the same in order to show empathy? I’m referencing your statement, “Until you have lived through the life experiences of another person, then you will never be able to definitively say that you wouldn’t have done/thought/said the same.” From my perspective, I’m not sure that it matters to validate someone else’s actions by determining that you would do the same. Isn’t empathy more about having genuine compassion and concern regardless of your own hangups? I do believe that selfish instincts are causes for problems, but what I think is more damaging than our inability to empathize, perhaps, is the lack of honesty in communication. When we learn to say what we really mean, clarify when needed, and ask others to clarify when we might be wrongly offended, this will help everyone feel included instead of judged. Thanks for the thoughtful post and allowing me to reflect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your comment, Chrissy. Perhaps my definition of empathy differs slightly from most people, as to me empathy is not necessarily limited to understanding someone else’s feelings; I think empathy also includes the ability to understand someone else’s thoughts and motives to the point that you can comprehend why some action was justifiable to them, even if it was not necessarily justifiable to you. This is very difficult for many to do because once we have chosen our morals and values, our actions tend to align with those (and any action outside of that realm is typically what we would deem “unjustifiable”), and so a thought experiment that I find useful is the one that you quoted. You’re right and I agree, we do not have to admit that we would always do the same actions if raised in an identical environment, but it does make empathizing much easier by acknowledging that you cannot rule this possibility out.
Interesting point you made about honesty in communication being a big problem, and I will definitely subscribe to that theory. The point which I was looking to make in this post (but was perhaps ineffective in) was that it is often difficult to control the actions of those around us, and trying to do so when they do not coincide with our ideals will often leave us frustrated. So rather, becoming a better empathizer to understand another person’s point of view to the degree I think true empathy requires, will liberate one from those frustrations as that is entirely in your control.
Thanks again for commenting! I love to engage in these discussions. Hope to hear back from you and all the best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought our slight differences in perspective had to deal with the way in which we view empathy. That makes sense. I appreciate the response and I do think your post is effective, just interesting to collectively think about. I appreciate you allowing me to biggyback off of your post. The difficulty to empathize, speak honestly, and to help others without the selfish desire to post our ‘good deeds’ have been on my mind recently. Perhaps in order to truly empathize we need to learn to recognize our own egos and check them at the door.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha agreed! Not to market myself but I think this may relate to what has been on your mind – I recently wrote a post about altruism that somewhat ties in with empathizing (although I’m afraid you may not like/agree what I say). Nevertheless, here is the link and feel free to read it if you’re not tired of my writing yet!
https://thepensives.wordpress.com/2016/12/26/why-the-altruism-debate-will-never-end/
Anyways, thanks for that chat, Chrissy!
LikeLike
Great point!
LikeLike
Your posts are always so unique and thought provoking. This has been a really interesting read because i’ve never actually viewed empathy in this way but now that you’ve mentioned it, it makes so much sense and we’re all knowingly/unknowingly doing exactly what you’ve stated. Hah. Followed!
LikeLike