Please forgive me if you find this question to be rather… peculiar. But hey, that’s what tough questions are all about.
A close friend of mine recently asked me: “Would you rather know that your wife was unfaithful to you and deal with the consequences, or would you prefer never to hear a word about it and just keep living in a world completely separated from reality?” And FYI, for this question I could assume that my wife would remain a good mother to my kids and make me happy in all the ways I desired.
What would you do?
Like many of us “proud boys,” I seriously struggled with this. Of course, as someone who always tries to read people’s motives, thoughts, and feelings, the thought of being deceived for a lifetime by the one person I should know the best frightened me. I know many men and women can relate to that very fear, and ironically (perhaps hypocritically), if I wasn’t imagining this scenario for personally, then I would likely find it rather silly that one’s ego should find its way into decision-making.
But after thinking about it further, I realized that the options I am dealt with can be reduced to two very simple paths:
- Blissful ignorance
- Depressing awareness
You can even remove the second word in both of those to simplify things even further. It is a choice about happiness and sadness. How can anyone hesitate when picking between those two?
Well, human nature is a funny thing. Egos are a funny thing. My friend insisted that he would subscribe to the “ignorance is bliss” mindset, not even thinking twice about it Annoyingly, that made me feel even more egotistical as I still don’t know how to answer that question.
If our perception equals our reality, why would one want to change their perception to result in a worse reality?
I love questions like these because when we struggle to find the answer, thereby causing us to question the fibre of our being, that is when we briefly break ourselves down a little in order to build ourselves back up as a more self-aware person. That is something we should all strive for even if it makes us uncomfortable in the moment, right?
So what would you pick?
FJ
The Pensives 
I must say that I would much rather know about it. For me the biggest thing is that I would want my wife to allow me to make an informed decision. I may ultimately end up staying with my significant other and possibly progress to a more open relationship that each of us can enjoy. Yet, without any knowledge of the real situation it is exactly what you stated “blissful ignorance”. Great topic!
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Here’s a better question. Is monogamy natural for everyone?
In general ignorance is never a good thing. It might heighten your anxiety to look at your bank account if you are aware of your depressing income level, or know that you are close to being overdrawn, but it’s still best to be informed because you can make more educated decisions that will affect your likelihood of preventing that situation in the future.
It might be depressing to consider all the implications of political events, but willful ignorance is basically just complete submission and is more harmful to oneself and all of society.
In the context of infidelity however, I can see the benefit of staying ignorant and personally is one that I would choose. I mean, if it was right on my doorstep I wouldn’t ignore it, but I wouldn’t go hiring private detectives or going through anyone’s phones. Also, I think I would date someone long enough to know if they are psychologically built for monogamy before committing to it myself.
The truth is its just not a natural way of life for many people, and in some cases more harmful than good. There are those who suffer from emotional instability or have trust issues, attachment issues, etc. (for example sufferers of BPD) and have to be extremely careful with intimate relationships.
Interesting question. I have never been married but it just seems to me that if you have to pry too much the relationship is already tarnished.
Best not to look. It’s like being on a vacation but constantly checking the weather terrified of a storm possibly coming, and I think holding onto that fear is more likely to lead to it happening.
Of course so much about this hypothetical is situational and different beteeen individuals.
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I agree with a lot of the points you raised. And that’s right, it is a decision that we will never be presented with, so addressing it hypothetically is the only way to go. I think it still offers a chance to give valuable insight to how we choose to live our lives in many other situations (e.g. politics like you mentioned), and even though we may be inclined to say that we always prefer the truth, sometimes even saying that very statement, ironically, is an example of choosing the blissful but ignorant route. Thanks for your comment!
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Hello, friend… I am quite disappointed by your answer to the question you posed… well if you think about it… You are being a bit selfish here… If you are happy with your wife that does not mean she is happy with you… If she was happy then she would’ve never been unfaithful to you. So I ask the question here … even after knowing your wife is not happy with you( considering you are happy with her).. would you still continue to ignore her emotions? It is always best to confront the truth…
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I agree with you, Vester, that if it was an outlet for my wife to meet some unmet desire because she was unhappy then it would be selfish of me, or anyone, to ignore those emotions. However, the question being addressed here is slightly different than that situation (because once you start looking into reasons for infidelity then it becomes incredibly complex). It is simply a matter of whether 1) you would prefer to stay in the dark but remain happy or 2) you would prefer to know the truth but have to deal with the consequences. 99.9% of the time I agree, it is best to confront the truth – but the purpose of this (entirely hypothetical) post was to question whether we could admit to ourselves that sometimes we may choose that 0.01% despite our inclinations to deny it.
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Personally I would want to know. However devastating, however crushing, I would want to know if the life I believe I have is a lie. That is how I view your question: do you want to live a lie or do you want to build a truthful life for yourself?
How would you feel if you found out at the end of your life that everything you believed you had shared together was a lie. That is how it would feel. Like a lie. Every caress, every happy moment, would be tainted with the knowledge that my spouse had been making a fool out of me. I’d be hurt and humiliated. I would choose all those feeling while still in a position to deal with them and create something better for myself.
Adding another question to yours: which lesson would you want your children to learn?
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To keep other variables minimal, this question is framed in a way so the only thing it comes down to is you i.e. you could assume your kids would never find out and you would never live your life KNOWING that you were living a lie. But of course, I would never want my kids to look at the situation and see that living a lie is acceptable. This is strictly analyzing whether one’s ego is valued higher than one’s feelings (at least in my eyes). So I believe it boils down to something a little more complex than lie vs. honest life – you also have acknowledge that the ignorant life is the happy life until the end while the truthful life is not. Of course this is unrealistic as you’ll never be presented with this question, but nevertheless I think it’s interesting to ask! Thanks for your comment.
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Younger me would want to know and face completely head on. Older wiser me would rather remain blissfully ignorant on many if not all topics for the rest of my flipping life! Lol.
One can only take so much depression before the choice, the obvious choice is happiness … always happiness! And in this hypothetical scenario I know of nothing different. The reason for infidelity is meaningless. Everything else is has no value. That’s the beauty of it all … making bliss the easy choice.
Now if only we could get the real word to cooperate!
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Haha I like your attitude! I think I need to spend a few more years in the “young and dumb” phase before I graduate to the “old and wise” so that I can fully submit to the blissful but ignorant alternative in this hypothetical scenario.
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Reblogged this on QUEEN MGUIRE and commented:
Depressing awareness is reality.Deal with it. Embrace the pain and move forward.
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While I agree with you to some extent, I think for many, that mentality is easier said than done! Thanks for your comment and the reblog!
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Ofcourse because while we said it as easy as a piece of cake.In reality, not everybody can cope with the fact and the depression that comes with it. I for one is dealing with the consequences of it and everyday is a struggle.This post is unbiased .I like it!
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